On a recent run to the public library, I experienced an “awww!” moment.

By Rita Apaloo

A good-looking “brother,” dressed in a pair of blue faded jeans, short sleeves cotton shirt with the top 2 buttons undone showing the neckline of an undershirt, shirttail hanging out, and a pair of sandals on bare feet (that totally gave away his African-ness, in addition to other features), helped a little boy (about 6-8 yrs) get out of a Toyota sedan. He clutched the little boy’s hand and walked around the vehicle to open the door directly behind the driver’s seat. He opened the car door and reached in to unbuckle a toddler out of her car seat. Next, he sat the toddler on the hood of the car, pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket, wiped her nose, face, and straightened her braids. Finally, he picked her up, bracing her with one arm while she clung onto him. Reaching for the little boy’s hand, he warned him of an approaching vehicle. Once the coast was cleared, he led them into the building.
Okay, now you can say it with me…awww!

All this happened within about 1-2 minutes but I couldn’t help but marvel at the tenderness and care reflected in that moment. I had no way of knowing their relation for certain but thought how lucky they are to have him. To the unknown “brother” and all other fathers who do their best to support their family beyond being a bread winner, I say hats off to you—thank you for being there. We appreciate you more than you know!

I caught up with 3 “brothers” to get their views on fatherhood:
William, 44, mid-level corporate manager – “My siblings and I were terrified of our father. He was very strict and we had to work hard to be in good standing with him. When we got in trouble, it was usually because we didn’t do as well in our lessons or because we were caught hanging out with the kind of kids that my father told us to avoid. Whenever my father was home, there was tension and anxiety in the household. I don’t remember joking around with him at all. He wasn’t my favorite person when I was growing up but as an adult, I understand that he only wanted the best for us—to get a good education and create a better life. As a father, my approach is very different. I don’t want my children to feel threatened by my presence. I want to be a father that loves, supports, reassures and guides.”

Francois, 39, business owner – “I grew up in a home with all boys, raised by my father. The eldest boy was the family cook and we were all expected to pitch and do our part. So doing household chores and taking care of others is a part of my upbringing. I enjoy sharing the household and childrearing duties with my wife and when she has to work late or has a scheduled event, I have no problem stepping up to the plate. Taking care of family is important to me—I’m open to doing whatever comes with the territory.”

John, 46, between jobs – “For a long time I was too busy making a life for myself that I didn’t take the time to think about fatherhood or what kind of father I want to be. Once it happened, I was totally unprepared and assumed that my wife would take care of our daughter’s needs—like I watched my mother do. Both my wife and I were first time parents and didn’t have much family/friends support so I had to shoulder some of the stress, frustration and fear. With having lost my job, I’m currently staying at home with our daughter. To be honest, I’m not comfortable with the situation but the great thing is that my daughter and I have developed a bond that I never imagined possible. I’ve learned (and am still learning) that in this society, both parents need to work together to raise happy, healthy and functional children.”

Hands-on parenting is new territory for many men, especially those who did not grow up with an involved father. For them, it can be extra challenging and somewhat frustrating. For some, the hands-on parenting role conflicts with things associated with manhood and masculinity. However, those who are embracing the transition are discovering that it’s an added value to the man they already are.
As we celebrate Father’s Day on June 21, I hope you will honor the fathers in your life in a way that’s as unique as they are—hands-on or not-so-hands-on.

Have a happy Father’s Day!

*** Names changed for privacy purposes.

Rita Apaloo is President & CEO of African Women Connect (AWC), a networking and relationship building organization for women living in the Twin Cities Metro Area. She can be contacted at africanwomenconnect@hotmail.com. Find AWC on www.meetup.com.